Danny & I shared an incredible bond, from the day he was born, that nothing or nobody could change or take away. Part of why we had such a close bond was because I had spent a significant amount of time with Danny from the time he was born & throughout his childhood years. When Danny was 3, I went away to college, but I still saw him as much as possible during visits home, when my his father (my brother Mike) would bring him to visit me & over the summers while I was back home.
During my 4th year of college, I wrote a special journal entry for Danny in a little notebook that I kept in a box for 19 years. I honestly can't say why I hadn't brought it up to or shared it with Danny over the years. But in October of 2012, Danny & I had a very significant & lengthy phone conversation. We talked, laughed & cried for at least a couple of hours. We talked about everything in each of our lives; we talked about our family, Danny's challenges, Danny's happiness at that time with a relationship he was in with a woman that became his wife one year later. And we talked about our feelings for one another. I always made sure Danny knew how much I loved & cared about (& worried about) him. It was then that I told him about the journal notebook that I had wrote in for him & kept all these years. I told him I wanted him to have it. He lived in Kansas & I mailed it to him.
I remember him texting me that he got it. Little did I know the significance of sending that journal to him at that time. On April 17, 2014 Danny passed away unexpectedly. My heart was shattered. I'm forever broken by his loss. After his passing, I thought about the journal. I knew that it was probably gone forever not knowing where his personal belongings last were. Then one day in March 2015, almost a year after Danny's passing, I learned that the journal was found. Danny had actually brought back on to Canada to his parents house during one of his last visits there before his passing. He had his mom put it in his special box where he kept his special things. I had no idea. I thought it was gone forever. His mom told me she came across it & not knowing the significance of it to me, when she told me she had it, I broke down. That journal was the last thing I gave Danny & one of the most important things I ever gave him. Not only did I know that he got to read that & see it before he passed, but that it meant as much to him as it did to me & that he brought it from Kansas to Canada to keep with his special things. I was given the journal back & have included below exerts of the two entries. The original entry from 9/13/93, an entry from 10/22/12 that I wrote in before I mailed it to him & an entry from 4/17/15 on the one year anniversary of his passing.
An Aunt's Deep Love:
ENTRY WRITTEN: September 13, 1993
My Dearest Daniel,
I would like to begin by telling you how often I think about
you, how much you mean to me, how I miss you more than words could ever say,
and how much I dearly love you. My
dearest nephew, you are my little best friend. Although we can not physically
be together, I believe that we have been, are and always will be close together
in heart & soul.
Danny, I think of you every single day. I have your beautiful
picture hear on my nightstand. I tell you goodnight & I love you each night
before I turn out my light. You are a special & big part of my life & I
miss you so darn much. I miss how close we used to be, I miss the fun we used
to have, I miss your smile, your laugh, your games, your voice, your love. I
miss you in every way. No one
understands how I feel & how important you are to me. I it because I spent
a lot of time with you when you were little & we became so close – you mean
so much to me.
Before you were born, I loved you & knew what an
important part of my life you would be. The night you were born, I came home
& Grandma Ruth showed me your footprints that the doctor put on paper after you were born. Your
feet were so tiny. I cried the night you were born. I told you how much I loved
you. Then I came to visit you at the
hospital. I told everyone about you.
For the whole first year after your birthday, I helped take
care of you. I stayed over, I babysat you, I hung around with you. We did so much together. I remember how when
you were just a baby & I spent the night, one night you woke up crying. Daddy & I came into
your room. I took you out of your crib & held you. Suddenly, you threw up
all over the front of me – ha!ha! Daddy told me to just stand there & let
you do it & not to move so you wouldn’t swallow or choke on it. Oh the smell – ha!ha! But I’d let you throw up on me anytime – it
didn’t matter.
And I remember how you used to come see me at school &
how everybody loved you. They brought you to
my soccer & basketball games. You were the talk of the school because you
were so cute & special, then now & always.
We had fun & did so many fun things together. Over the years, you & I grew close. You were & are everything to me!! And then the time came when I graduated high
school & I went away to college. I moved to Batavia for my first 2 years of college. I missed you
terribly. And to this day, I regret
every leaving you & home! I’m sorry. I wanted to go to college so I could get
a good job & do good things in life. It was so hard. Daddy brought you up to visit me
sometimes. Daddy or Grandma Irv/Grandma
Ruth brought you a few times to my sports games at the college. Everyone adored
you. We had fun when you & Daddy
came to visit me. I missed you terribly.
I wish I never went away to college. But I wanted to grow up & be somebody.
I went away to college also to run away from my problems. I wasn’t getting along with people back
home. I always had you though. We had so many fun times & we stayed
close through it all.
My Dan-man, I love you so much. I always did, I always will.
You mean everything to me – I can’t tell you that enough!!
ENTRY WRITTEN: October 22, 2012
Hi Dan,
Well it was 19 years ago & 40 days ago that I wrote you
that note – crazy huh? I kept it all these years right in this notebook I wrote
it in. Not sure why I never gave it to
you, but here it is finally. I know it’s just one note, but I think it says a
lot & I hope it help you to understand why you mean so much to me! And
always have!
Dan – I know you’ve had quite the journey & have been
through more in your 26 years than most. I may not know every detail, but from
things you’ve shared with me & all, I get an idea. I just want you to know
that I’ve never stopped thinking about you, praying for you, worry about &
for you (hey…that’s what aunts do!) & never for a moment stopped loving
you!! I know that even in recent years
& now…life’s been up & down & like a roller coaster for you. I can
say that although I’ve had different challenges & paths, I’ve felt the way
you have inside. I’ve struggled with a
lot myself inside & in my head & heart. It’s not easy. But what sets us apart & makes us awesome
is that we are REAL. We don’t put on a façade/mask or try to be something/someone
we’re not. And because of that, we may struggle a lot more & we may
appear/feel a little lost at times in our lives or minds, but we are honest
with ourselves & within our souls.
Always keep dreaming, growing, reaching, wanting, trying
& giving of yourself & to others & trust your soul.
And know that along the way, you have a family who wear
similar shoes (that’s an expression) & who loves you unconditionally &
who needs you as much as you may need them/us.
Wishing you HAPPINESS, JOY & FULFILLMENT & YOUR
DREAMS COME TRUE!!
XOXO Always – Aunt Missy
ENTRY WRITTEN: April 17, 2015
My Dearest Danny,
I am writing this one year after your passing. One year ago on 4/17/14 we received the worst call & news of our lives. You were gone. Something horrible took you from us...forever. Never in my worst thoughts/nightmares, would or could I image loosing you. Never for a second did I think you would pass away before me. That's not how it should have been. And how you were taken from us is not how you should have left life.
As I read back the previous entries, I can't help but sense the significance of telling you how I felt when I did & sharing this journal with you when I did. For 19 years I had kept that journal in a box & didn't think to share it with you. What made me do it in 2012 I can only believe was for a reason. And to learn that it meant as much to you as it did to me & that you kept it & brought it all the way home to Canada from Kansas meant more to me than anyone will ever know. You had shared with me that you had experienced homelessness for a short period of time at one point. And prior to your passing, through your recover & service & genuine loving & giving heart, you were helping the homeless in Kansas by collecting donations of things they could use & going out & distributing them right to homeless people in your community. I was so inspired by that & I wanted to do something extra special to honor you & to carry on your loving spirit & mission that I organized a collection effort to make care packages for the homeless in Buffalo. It was a huge success thanks to such amazing generosity of so many people, and I know that your loving spirit was behind it 100%!!!! On 4/17/15 Jack & I took donations to a shelter for the homeless, and it was there that I talked to a young man that shared that his personal belongings were taken from someplace he had stayed at. He put his hand on his heart & said that things that were personal & special to him were taken & how much that hurt him. I immediately thought of you & the journal. When you passed away, I thought the journal was gone forever. But it turned out you had brought it back during one of your final visit home & put it with your special things. I'm so grateful that you did that, and that you had somewhere to keep the things that meant the most to you. I also met a young man named Michael (yeah, same name as dad) who was close in age to you & who was going through recovery & homelessness himself. He cried & cried as he told me & Jack his story & about his struggle & pain because he didn't want to be like that & be homeless & sitting in a shelter. It was heartbreaking to listen to his story, and it broke me even more inside because I know you went through similar struggles in your life, and I felt like it was you talking through him. I broke down so bad after leaving there. Thank goodness that our best friend Jack was there with me to comfort me. And the shelter was right around the corner from the bus station downtown where Jack picked you up from your last visit back to Buffalo in 2013. We are both thankful that he had that time with you when he picked you up that night from the bus station.
Danny - I continue to struggle with the pain of loosing you. Nothing will ease that pain ever. It's so significant because I know in my heart how much you went through, and I know there's so much I don't know about. I struggle thinking about all that you went through in your life of just 27 years. Noone should have to endure some of the things you endured.
And then my heart smiles & warms when I think about & hear as I/we have over the past year, the incredible stories of all of the people/friends' whose lives you touched & positively impacted in huge ways! You loved, helped & made a difference in more lives in your 27 years of life that many do who live far beyond 27 years. You were one of the kindest, most loving & giving people in the world, and mom, daddy, Cassie, me & our entire family have been so proud & so comforted hearing about from so many people over the past year that you helped, loved, supported, guided & who miss you as much as we do.
I told Jack that I still don't know how to process my pain of loosing & missing you. It's so incredibly deep & hurts so bad. I've cried for 365 days missing you. I'm forever broken & changed. But I'm also forever inspired & make this promise to you my little buddy - I will never let your memory die or fade. I will carry on your mission of loving & helping others in any way(s) i can. After talking with Michael at the homeless shelter, I hugged him tight (like you would - you gave the best bear hugs ever!) & told him to please, please not give up. He promised he wouldn't. I won't give up carrying on your legacy Danny. And I'll never stop loving, missing & grieving for you. You meant too much to me! I'm forever grateful for the unconditional love & beautiful bond we shared during your life here on earth, and that will remain through your death & until we meet again one day.
All my love to you little buddy,
Aunt Sissy
