Life's Painful Journey

As a child, although our family had it's struggles, it still was Family.  My family.  And I still remember the family unit, things and times together.  My family.  It defined me.  I was the baby of my family, and grew up to be the organizer of family parties and holidays, the picture taker, the video taker, the picture collage/family calendars maker, the homemade gift maker that, the one who's always tried to keep the family unit together, and eventually the caretaker.

When I lost my nephew Daniel in April 2014, I felt my whole world come crashing down...and my heart being ripped in two. I physically felt that as I fell to the floor.  Our family unit was no longer complete. Nothing was ever the same since that horrific day.  Suddenly, parties were no longer happy, and I didn't want to have them because we couldn't be happy and having fun without Danny.  I didn't want to take pictures because the smiles were half smiles or plain fake smiles, like mine.  My family was permanently, forever broken.

Then came October 2014.  My father suddenly fell ill.  At he age of 77, he'd never had a health issue in his adult life, wasn't on one single medications, and hadn't been to a doctor most if not all his adult life.  Then boom!  Not just one issue, but multiple all at the same time.  And it's only been a snowball effect since then.....multiple health issues, several severe....7 aneurysms in his stomach, near kidney failure, blood clots, prostate issues...followed by heart bypass....followed by a devastating diagnosis of dementia.  And forgetting me as his daughter.

The family unit once again torn, continuing to break down even more.  It's never been and never will be the same again. There's no turning back. There's no fixing things. Life's fate has hit, and hit hard.  And there's not a damn thing I or any of us can do about it. 

And while my father was lying in that first hospital bed on October 20, 2014.....my cell phone rings....my very best friend of 14 years, and our family's very dearest friend, Jack, calls me from California to share the devastating news that his precious #1 & 11 year old grandson, Riley, has just passed away following complications from heart surgery.  I'll never forget the rest of my heart feeling broken hearing his words.  And my best friend was hours and miles away, and there was nothing that I could do for him or his family. And we shared in their deep heartache. Riley was mine & Katie's special friend.  And life was taken from him at 11.  I still cannot comprehend it. I'm so sorry Grampy & BFF :(  Love ya!  Love & Miss You Riley boy!!

http://rileynorton.blogspot.com/

On August 25, 2014, my college mentor and friend, Bridget tragically lost her son, Carmen (her 2nd oldest of 6), and on August 27, 2014 my special friend, Louise, tragically lost her son, Mathew.  Their worlds, and that of their families, broken.  Love you Bridget (& family) and Louise!! 
 
Life so unfair....so cruel!!

2014 - the worst year ever!!!!!!!! 

Here we are in 2017. 3 years of continued heartache and struggle.  Carrying my grief from 2014, and continuing to care for my father, now 24/7, who, at this moment, is sleeping in the recliner next to me, only to awake every few hours in such discomfort and discouragement.  Several times today mumbling the words, "It's Not Fair."  No, it's not fair dad.  I'm so very sorry I say.  And I can't find any other words for him.  I just stroke his hand and shoulder, tell him how sorry I am, that I wish it could be different and that I love him.  His dementia will eventually take his life.  But not before suffering a long drawn out struggle.  Worst of all is him knowing & feeling what's going on. How do you offer encouragement with that.

And here I sit, feeling completely depressed and helpless.  For him, for me, for us, for other suffering these types of unfair and incredibly painful struggles/situations/losses. 

Completely exhausted, worn down, afraid to sleep because my dad's not feeling well after another surgery 2 days ago, and is waking every few hours, and dealing with this set back (hopefully temporary) from the surgery & anesthesia. 

I know these things are part of life. And I know there are much stronger people than me out there, and many who I've heard say (in reference to situations they've faced), well it's part of life.  I wish I could say that so easily, and just go on smiling and living life as if nothing negative's happened.  But I just can't do that. It's not in my blood or heart.  I, on the other hand, wear my heart on my sleeve, feel deep, deep emotions to life's changes, challenges, losses.  I sit feeling broken. 

I have always enjoyed & been able to reach out & help others in their times of struggle and need, but have no idea to help myself in mine/ours.  I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. Trying to stay strong.  Feeling guilty when I get frustrated or upset by actions, words and behaviors that are for the most part, out of my father's control.  Top that with the Frawley traits of stubborn, independent and strong-willed.  It hasn't been pretty or easy, for either of us.  That's the honest truth. 

Finding some solace in writing in my blog, which I rarely do, as I often forget I even have it.  I guess it comes to mind at just the right needed times.

And a special thank you to several dear friends who have regularly reached out to me, and always at moments when I needed it most.  I hope you're reading this & feel my hug and hear & feel my genuine and heartfelt, Thank You My Friends.  You have no idea how much your support means to me, and brings me such comfort.  For that...for You....I'm grateful.

For my dad, I pray for one thing....PEACE....